Whether I believe in God or not I don’t know. Whether there is some all-knowing judging power that punishes us for our sins –yes, there is obviously something of that kind. I realized that when saw myself crying of pain nightly, and the one I love, partner of my thoughtless mistake, – suffering from cruel kicks of come down castigation. The question “What for?” didn’t stay too long on my lips, as well as in my mind, – when the answer suddenly became obvious it stopped being a call for explanation and gradually lost its actuality. I wandered for a while why the judgment was so ruthless and whether there was any necessity in our being whipped so violently. Probably, being given such an abundance of life in all its possible revelations, being presented such a true and full happiness, we were doomed to repent with a much greater sacrifices and to pay a much higher cost. Perhaps a strong need to make the situation as clear as possible pushed me to a not quite rational conclusion, but it was the only one I could imagine. I learned to treat my mishaps as steps to final relief. Eventually, everything turned for the best, what needed to cease was stopped, what needed to be relieved was set free.

My perverted perception of myself and crippled treatment to surrounding environment became unpleasantly disturbing for me and expectedly annoying for those who were forced to bear my depressive, apathetic, half-hysterical state. Their problems turned out to be such unimportant trifles; I went crazy of irritation every time seeing they’re making noises over absurd insignificant problems. And yet I realized – I’m the one to blame, they are in no way guilty for my inner disharmony. Putting blame on them would be a one more mistake, and what if it as well would deserve punishment?

I learned my lesson, perhaps a too rough one. It makes no sense now to analyze whether the judge was fair enough. Now I know that our activities are attentively watched and accurately evaluated, and if considered to be crimes are punished quite soon after the commitment. Perhaps we just draw imaginative parallels between not connected events. But what if connection between sin and payment is true? Today I prefer to be careful; and happy despite all unhealed wounds. Experience is precious, memory is merciful, and yet life is waiting.